The Great Hamster Massacre
by PIMPsSparkyL.B
Summary: Set during Lucie Brody's story "As I Am"; Parker Hall's love for animals gets everyone into trouble, when all the hamsters under Parker's care meet gruesome ends.
1. Chapter One

Disclaimer: None of the yadda...yadda...except for Parker. She belongs to Lucie Brody. And so does Skittles (not the candy, the candy belongs to some loser company who wants to take all of America's money for itself and make those freaky commercials with talking MMs eating each other and talking rainbows. Skittles belongs to them.) And Barbara-Allen belongs to SparkingDiamond (no, not the song but...who really cares?)

A/N: After that long disclaimer, please not that it is after ten thirty at night and we have spent many an hour on school property, but we are still pleased to bring you the first story by the one and only fanfiction pimps: L.B. & Sparky. So, this story goes along with Lucie's "As I Am" story, which I recommend reading because it's quite funny (this coming from Sparky; Lucie doesn't refer to herself in the first person...except for right this moment.) Anyway, read it, it's supposed to be funny...right...review and enjoy!

"I ain't got nothing." Panted Sam Hall, flopping onto the hardwood floor. "No more." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He ignored the well-aimed pillow, thrown by his older sister, because he was simply too exhausted and too sore to really care.

"You're a bum." Parker Hall, the eldest Hall child, declared. "It's not that hard to put your foot over your head. Limber up..." She rolled her eyes and looked at her little brother. "I mean, you've got to be limber for some things..." She looked over at Sam's girlfriend, Laura Chapman.

Laura, herself, was quite oblivious to Parker's comment, pleased with herself for managing to pull off the yoga position. "I don't know," She remarked off-handedly, "he's usually pretty limber."

Sam opened his eyes then and looked at his girlfriend. Parker looked at Laura as well and raised an eyebrow, giving her a quite comical appearance, seeing as she had her feet almost completely over her hay-stack blonde hair and looked just as natural as could be. "Keep that to yourself." Parker advised. "Send me the video tape."

Laura looked at her cluelessly. "What?" She questioned, cocking her head. This, of course, upset her balance and she rolled off the table, crashing to the floor and untangling herself. "Ouch." She mumbled, crawling over to where Sam lay and falling across his chest. "No more yoga." She decided. "I'm sore." Sam wasn't quite sure how she had done it, but she had made the statement sound strangely seductive.

Parker shook her head and unfolded herself. "You guys are wimps." She declared, getting to her feet. "I guess we'll have to start with the beginners tapes next time." She headed down the hallway toward her bedroom in order to retrieve the tapes.

Sam knocked his head against the floor upon hearing those hateful words _next time _and promptly startled a furry rat-creature out from beneath the couch. When Sam saw the creature, he jumped up in surprise, knocking his girlfriend off his chest and sending her crashing, once again, to the floor.

"Sam!" Laura shouted indignantly when her head had stopped pounding and she could see past the stars in her eyes. "What the hell?"

But Sam was no longer listening, having bolted for the kitchen in search of some sort of protection. He returned seconds later to defend his dazed girlfriend with a large frying pan that his sister used to cook her infamous tofu pancakes in.

Upon seeing the frying pan and the not so bold look on Sam's face, Laura quickly got to her feet and tried to figure out what was bothering her boyfriend. Her eyes settled on the rat-creature, who had taken to washing it's tiny ears. "What is it?" She questioned, more intrigued then worried.

Sam stood in front of his girlfriend, brandishing the frying pan protectively. "It's okay, I'll protect you."

Laura raised an eyebrow. "I'm not afraid." She told him. "I just want to know what it is."

"It's a rat." Sam answered quickly, feigning swiping at the creature, who just stared at him with an uninterested look on its face.

Laura shook her head. "I don't think it's a rat." She studied it. "It looks like a hamster."

Sam shook his head as well. "Why would Parker have a random hamster in her house? It's got to be some sort of mouse." He took a step closer.

Laura grabbed his arm. "It doesn't have a tail." She pointed out. "Just ask Parker and-"

Sam looked at his girlfriend as though she was stupid. "We can't ask Parker, she'll want to keep it. We can't let her keep a tail-less rat, it might have diseases. They got all kinds of stuff like that down in Mexico."

"A tail-less rat." Laura repeated slowly. "Otherwise known as a hamster."

Before Sam could defend himself any further, the tail-less rat, or hamster, came running in their direction. Thinking quickly, Sam brought the frying pan down upon the rat-creature, stopping and killing it instantly. Laura and Sam both peeked at the broken body of what was certainly a hamster with a fair amount of interest and disgust. "You killed it." Laura stated, almost dumbly. "You killed the hamster."

Sam looked at his girlfriend. "It's not a hamster, baby." He told her once again. "It's a dead rat."

"Guys?" Parker's voice floated down the hallway. "Is everything okay out there?" She was no doubt concerned by the sound of the pan crashing into the floor. "You better not have broke my floor."

Sam looked at Laura with a panicked look on his face. "Oh no, we can't let Parker find that thing." He jabbed at the hamster with the frying pan. "It will not be a pretty sight...there will be funerals."

"I'm sure if we just explained to Parker-" Laura began.

"You don't know her." Sam said, he shook his head.

Laura raised an eyebrow. "It's just a rat-hamster Sam." She pointed out. "Normal people don't grieve over killed rats." Sam raised an eyebrow. "Hamsters." She clarified.

"But," Sam said, "Parker is not normal. What about her ever made you think she might even consider one day, her dying day perhaps, that she wanted to be normal. No, she is a tree-hugging, tofu-eating, animal-loving, yoga-teaching, hamster-funeral giving weirdo."

At that moment, the sounds of Parker's bare feet against the floor drifted into the living room and Sam threw the frying pan to Laura and snatched up the corpse of the rat-hamster. Thinking quickly, but not too brightly, he shoved the body into the first place he could think of: the VCR. Laura watched him with a horrified look on her face, trying to form the words to let her boyfriend know that, first all of, it was just disgusting putting a dead animal in a VCR and two, Parker was coming back with a _video tape_.

Before anything could be said, Parker entered the living room with a video tape in one hand; she looked at Laura, who was still holding the frying pan, drawn back like she was about to strike Sam. She looked at her, confused. "Lola, what are you doing?" She questioned, using her nickname for her brother's girlfriend. She looked at Sam, who was standing by the VCR, looking too innocent to really be that way. "What's going on?"

"I want pancakes." Laura declared, waving the frying pan. "Please, Parker, make pancakes." She smiled faintly. "Hehe, Parker pancakes."

"What?" Parker stared at her, thinking back to the last time she had cooked tofu pancakes for anyone but herself and her beloved hamster Skittles. "You want pancakes?"

Laura nodded. "Yes." She held out the frying pan, hoping that Parker wouldn't notice the fur and blood on the rim from the unfortunate animal. "Please, I love them."

Parker shook her head. "No you don't." She told the girl simply. "You hate them." She looked at her knowingly. "You're just trying to get out of yoga, aren't you?" She knelt in front of the VCR, still looking back at the younger girl. "Lola, it's not going to be that easy."

Sam looked at Laura with that same panicked look in his eyes, gesturing almost wildly at the VCR, in which Parker was inserting her yoga tape. Laura flung the frying pan onto the floor. "Now!" She shouted, stopping Parker from putting in the tape. "I want the pancakes now!"

Parker raised an eyebrow. "Finally throwing a tantrum." She observed. "I like it." But she would not be swayed. "After yoga." And with that, Parker pushed the tape into the VCR.

As soon as the tape entered the machine, the sound of crunching bone filled the house; Laura and Sam stared at the VCR with utter horror on their faces. Parker looked at the VCR quizzically. "What was that?" She questioned, trying to push the tape in further. More crunching filled the living room and she finally pulled the tape out, looking somewhat revolted when she saw blood and fur on the edge. "What the hell?" She reached into the VCR.

"Great." Sam mumbled. "Time to get something black."

Parker fished around in the VCR, until she managed to pull out the broken, almost unrecognizable body of Skittles, her beloved pet hamster that had been traveling around the world with her for years. The hamster had been a birthday present from her mother weeks before the woman had left and Parker loved the animal more then she loved her brother.

"What-?" Parker stared at the thing in her hand, confused. Suddenly, she realized what she was holding, she let out a shriek and flung the body on the floor, continuing to scream.

Upon seeing the mangled corpse, Laura started screaming as well and, since there was nothing better to do, Sam started to scream too. When Parker managed to form words from her screaming, she whirled toward her brother and shouted, "What happened to Skittles?" There was anger in her eyes that made Sam cringe. "What. Did. You. Do.?"

Sam had never seen his sister so angry and feared that she would shove _him _into the VCR. "Uh..." He shrugged.

Parker pointed at the body of her pet. "You killed my pet!" She shrieked. "You killed my baby Skittles!"

Sam swallowed. "Well, what was your pet doing out of its cage? Running around the living room?" He protested.

"I don't believe in keeping animals in cages." Parker told him. "Animals should be free. Not shoved in VCRs." She glared at her brother. "How could you do such a heartless thing, shove a living creature into a VCR?"

Laura cleared her throat. "Actually, Sam killed it first with the frying pan. Then he put it in the VCR." She told Parker, attempting to help her boyfriend.

Sam looked at her. "Okay, honey, that's enough." He told the ever-helpful Laura. He offered her a forced smile and then looked back at his sister. "I thought it was a rat."

"So that would have made it okay then?" Parker questioned. "And besides, rats have tails, Sam, tails."

Sam frowned. "It had a tail." He defended weakly.

Both of the girls in the room said, "No it didn't."

Parker pointed at the crushed body. "Just look at poor Skittles. There is no tail on that poor, mangled, broken, crushed-"

"I get it." Sam held up his hand. "Maybe the tail is still in the VCR. Along with a...leg." He wrinkled his nose in disgust. "And the ear."

Parker's mouth dropped open. After a moment she stated, "I have nothing to say to you."

It appeared that Sam felt the same way, because the living room filled with silence. Laura looked at Sam and Parker, shifting uncomfortably. Trying to lighten the situation she said, "I guess we're not going to have those pancakes."

__

To Be Continued...


	2. Chapter Two

Chapter Two

Laura looked over at Sam with a semi-horrified look on her face. "You killed your sister's pet, Sam." She informed him, as though he had missed the whole conversation. "I _told _you it wasn't a rat."

Sam sighed. "Well, it's a normal assumption to come to when there's a rodent in the house." He defended. "How was I supposed to know Parker let her animals run lose."

"Because she's Parker." Laura told him, rolling her eyes. "I'm surprised she doesn't have zebras in her backyard."

Sam couldn't stop himself from laughing. "C'mon baby." He remarked. "She's not Michael Jackson."

Laura started laughing and covered her mouth with her hands, trying to stifle her laughter. But it was too hard, and she kept giggling anyway. At that moment, the front door of the house flung open and a very angry Parker appeared. "I hear you guys laughing!" She cried, glaring at them. "Is my grief humorous to you?"

Laura managed to swallow her laughter and Sam did the same thing, staring at his rather distraught sister. Both teenagers shook their heads, putting on the appropriate solemn looks. Parker seemed satisfied with their reactions to her angry and ducked back into her house again, slamming the door and no doubt going back to cry over the broken body of her hamster.

As soon as Parker had vanished from sight, Sam and Laura erupted into laughter once more. After several moments of laughter, Laura managed to get herself under control by taking several deep breaths and looked at her boyfriend. "Sam, I really do feel bad about what happened." She told him. "Maybe we should do something."

Sam raised an eyebrow. "Like what?" He questioned. "Make her a tombstone?"

Laura raised an eyebrow. "No, that's weird." She told him frankly. "I was thinking more about getting her a replacement hamster." She looked at Sam. "Maybe that would make her feel better."

Sam smiled at Laura and slipped his arm around her waist, kissing her on the cheek. "That's not a bad idea." He said. "It might stop her from killing us, at least."

* * *

Laura wrinkled her nose, a look of disgust crossing her face, as she stared into one of the many cages of rodents that lined the back walls of Gomez's Little Pet Palace. The animals were packed from wall to ceiling, crawling on top of each other, eating their neighbors and having children. It was like the streets of downtown Mexico, only a lot worse.

"I can't believe she wants one of these things." Laura mumbled, forcing herself to look away from the cannibalistic animals and over at her boyfriend. "They're eating each other."

Sam sighed and tugged Laura away from the cage. "Parker's hamster was from California, these are from Mexico. What do you expect?" He remarked, showing Laura another cage where there weren't as many animals. "You pick one."

Laura, who had always wanted a pet of her own and had dreamed of the day when she would one day get to go down to a pet store and choose her animal friend, smiled at the task. She knelt in front of the cage and let her eyes roam across the animals inside. One of the hamsters was climbing on top of the metal wheel, planning an escape, while another hamster was crushed beneath the wheel, kicking its legs. She didn't give these animals a second glance. Some of the hamsters were sleeping; one very cute, fuzzy one was washing its ears.

But, Laura didn't pay much attention to that one either. Instead, she focused her gaze on a lone hamster, much smaller then the others, cowering behind the food bowl. She smiled and looked over at Sam. "That one." She pointed at the creature. "Let's get her that one."

Sam, for a second, thought she was talking about the one washing itself. However, he quickly saw that she wanted the one that looked like it was seconds away from dying of a heart attack. Leave it to his Laura to want the weak hamster. "Are you sure?" He questioned gently. "It looks kinda....sickly."

"It's not sickly, it's scared." Laura defended, her brown eyes going wide. "It thinks it's going to get eaten." She looked at Sam. "We have to safe its life."

Sam sighed. "And you think giving it to Parker is going to do that?" He questioned. Laura gave him a look that he couldn't stand, a look that made it seem as though she was dying herself and he knew he had no choice but to give in. And so, he looked over at Gomez and informed the man that the 'frightened' hamster was the one that they wanted.

Gomez threw the hamster in a box and handed the box to Laura. "You want for pet or snake food?" The man questioned Sam as he rang up their purchase.

Laura's eyes went wide and horrified as she looked at the Mexican shopkeeper, who was happily counting Sam's money. "Snake food?" She repeated, looking at Sam.

"Pet." Sam clarified quickly. "Definitely a pet."

Once the hamster was purchased, Laura and Sam were all too eager to leave the store. Laura opened the cardboard box and peeked down at the hamster, who was sitting in one place looking a little too stiff to be alive, but she didn't seem to notice. "I think I will name you Fido." She declared to the little creature, who didn't move.

Sam looked over at his girlfriend. "Honey, it's not your pet." He told her. "Parker might not like the name Fido." He had a feeling this was going to happen; he should have just picked the hamster himself and not let her get too attached.

Laura looked at Sam with those wide-eyes again. "I wanna keep it." She mumbled.

Sam took the box from her. "I think I'll hold it." He mumbled, closing the box. Laura didn't look too pleased by losing the box but didn't say anything. After all, the hamster was to cheer up Parker.

* * *

When Parker answered her front door, she almost slammed it shut in the faces of the two teenagers that were standing on her front stoop. "What do you want?" She snapped. "I don't have any more pets for you to kill."

Laura looked at the blonde with a hesitant, but still adorable smile. "We brought you a present." She informed Parker. "To say we're sorry."

Sam nodded his agreement. Parker's face lit up. "A present?" She repeated happily. "Is it money?"

"Not exactly." Sam said. It was just like his sister to be ungrateful before she even got her present. He handed her the box. "Here."

Parker eagerly took the box from her little brother, though she was already disappointed because she knew there weren't going to be twenty dollar bills inside. Upon opening the cardboard flaps, she let out a scream and tossed the box back to Laura. "What is that?" She cried, upset. "You guys are sick."

Confused, Laura peered into the box and her mouth dropped open. Sam didn't think it was possible for someone to go that pale that fast. "Fido!" She cried and dropped the box to the ground. She looked at Sam with tears in her eyes. "He's dead!"

"What?" Sam questioned, confused. "We just got the damn thing. I've had fish that lived longer then that." He picked up the box and looked inside; sure enough, Laura's little hamster was lying on his side, stiff as a board with wide eyes.

Parker glared at her brother. "I know you don't like me, Sam, but you don't have to take it out on innocent little hamsters." She snapped.

Sam would have been able to protest if he hadn't been so busy comforting his suddenly distraught girlfriend, who was acting as though she had known that hamster all her life. Parker, however, wasn't in the mood to give him the chance to defend himself as she pushed him out the door and slammed it in his face. Sam stood on the front stoop, staring at the closed door for a moment. Seconds later, the door opened again and Laura stumbled out, pushed by Parker, with the dead hamster in her hands.

Laura looked at Sam. "That didn't work." She mumbled, sounded like a defeated child.

Sam sighed and said the words he never thought he would said. "Back to Gomez's Little Pet Palace."

* * *

Parker was engrossed in the very interesting, and very important topic _Is My Brother-in-Law my Baby's Daddy?_ when the door bell rang. With a groan, she rolled off the couch and headed for the door. She wasn't at all surprised to find Laura standing on the other side, looking like she had a ticking bomb strapped to her back.

"Parker," Laura whimpered, trying not to make eye-contact with the girl. She couldn't believe that her supposedly loving and caring boyfriend had made her give his sister the second replacement hamster while he hid in the bushes. Laura didn't think Parker was any less likely to hit her, but she did figure it wouldn't be as hard. "This is Barbary-Allen." She handed the older girl another cardboard box with shaking hands. "She wants to live with you now."

Parker took the box slowly and glared at the brunette. "Lola, if this hamster is dead, you will be too." She said before opening the cardboard box. The hamster inside was not dead, but was happily running around the small box, looking for a way out. Parker's face lit up. "It's so cute!" She cried and went to hug Laura. Laura quickly backed away.

"I gotta go." Laura said before Parker could step any closer and with that, took off running down the driveway.

Parker was surprised to see Sam's head pop up from the middle of her bushes. "Laura?" He called, confused. "Where are you going?" He stumbled out of the bushes, falling several times, before he managed to make it to the street, where he followed after his girlfriend, dragging branches after him.

"That is so weird." Parker mumbled, before stepping back inside and shutting the door


End file.
